Once upon a time, a federal worker was employed in a land far far away. Actually not that far away because he worked for the good old USA.
This federal worker was having a hard time making ends meet due to being furloughed by a government shutdown. He worried about paying the mortgage, feeding his three kids and even paying the vet bills for an aging Shih Tzu that suffered from glaucoma.
He spent the mornings going to Starbucks, ordering a venti 4 shot Americano with light cream and then taking a walk on the beach. This morning he came upon an empty beer bottle laying in the sand. He picked the bottle up intending to throw away in the recycle bin when he got home. He read the label which identified the beer as a Sweet Baby, Jesus! brewed by DuClaw Brewing Co. It was a Chocolate Peanut Butter Porter, 6.0% Abv. Absent mindedly, he rubbed the empty bottle while dreaming of the old days when he could afford to drink fine craft beer instead of Natural Light. Suddenly, in a cloud of smoke, appeared a man dressed in a beer keg Halloween costume.
"Where did you come from? And who are you?", asked the stunned federal worker.
"I am the genie in the bottle. You rubbed me the right way. Releasing me from the bottle.", replied the keg. "I can grant you three wishes. Your wish is my command."
The federal worker did not know what to think at first. "Is this guy a quack? Did he just quote a Christina Aguilera song?", he asked himself. He figured he would try one wish as a test. What did he have to lose? "I wish that I had a cold Sweet Baby, Jesus!." Poof! A baby stroller appeared with a crying baby swaddled in a flannel blanket embroidered with "JC".
"Whoa! Not quite what I was going for." cried the federal worker. Out loud he thought, "OMG, how will I feed another child? I am furloughed for Christ sakes!". Just then the baby began to cry. "Oops, sorry.", the federal worker said to the baby. The genie then spoke, "Well you get two more wishes. Please try again."
The federal worker thought about his second wish for a while longer than the first. Finally he said, "I wish for the furlough to end." Poof! The federal worker found himself in his cubicle staring at a computer displaying the blue screen of death. "Woo woo! I am back to work. The furlough is over! The government has reopened. It is a miracle", he yelled. His first order of business was to call IT. He then noticed a envelope taped to his phone with a yellow sticky. He opened the envelope and removed a pink slip that had a header which read "RIF (Reduction In Force) - Notice" and a first line which started, "We are sorry to notify you that...". The federal worker suddenly fainted hitting the floor with a loud thud.
He awoke back on the beach where he was living in a cardboard box. His wife, kids and Shih Tzu were gone having moved to California to live with his mother-in-law. He was in despair. He cried "Genie, where are you? I have one more wish.". Poof! The genie appeared, "Wow, you smell. You are correct you get one more wish. Make it count."
The federal worker told the genie, "I wish for the American Dream!". Poof! The federal worker now found himself on a boat approaching the Statue of Liberty. At his feet was a newspaper showing a date of October 3, 1887. Confused he looked around and to his surprise saw his wife, kids, Sweet Baby,Jesus! now swaddled in a American flag, and his beloved Shih Tzu with eyes clear of glaucoma. He broke down and cried "wow! A brand new start in a brand new world. Thank you, Jesus!.". The baby began to cry. "Sorry I meant thank you, genie!" The federal worker with family in tow arrived in New York City and promptly bartered for passage to Boston where he planned to settle down. The federal worker found a job right away at a brewery as the brewmaster's apprentice.
Over time he achieved the American Dream by opening his own brewery and making millions of dollars doing what he loved most. His wife stayed by his side the whole way. His kids grew up, married and gave him grandchildren. Sweet Baby, Jesus! arose from the stroller and moved to the Middle East to discover himself. The Shih Tzu died of old aged and was buried in the garden where the hops were grown for the brewery. Later in life, the federal worker sold the brewery which later became the Boston Beer Company home of Samuel Adams beer.
The federal worker was restless and came out of retirement to run for Congress vowing to be a great leader and work tirelessly for his constituents. He died at the age of 78 on October 28, 1919 from a heart attack brought on by a nasty bout of constipation during an epic 42 hour filibuster where he read War and Peace out loud and delayed the vote on the Volstead Act (Prohibition!). May he rest in peace.
The End
Amen.
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