A TRIATHLON CAROL

Previously titled Ironman Canada Race Report

Written By Chazz Dickens

STAVE 1: CASPER THE UNFRIENDLY GHOST (OR THE PRE-RACE)

                “Bah humbug” said Kevin Burns when asked if he was ready for Ironman Canada.  This is the fifth year in a row that Kevin has raced an Ironman triathlon and the training seemed more difficult than past years.  This can be attributed to three things.  One, the weather in Virginia Beach was very hot and humid this summer.  Secondly, he was not mentally focused as he was in past years.  And finally, Kevin was repeatedly attacked by the local animal population as documented in his short lived reality show, Triathlete vs. Wild.  Included in these attacks were two particularly vicious assaults, the first, was a mugging by Bigfoot and the second was an ugly encounter with a zombie shark.  The shark attack left Kevin feeling sick for several days with flu-like symptoms that were so bad that he looked and felt like the walking dead.  Kevin was finally able to fend off the virus only because of his superior physical health and immune system, a result of all his hours of training. 

(Author’s note:  Kevin was selected for drug testing prior to racing IM Canada.  No Performance Enhancing Drugs were found in his system.  However, they  did detect traces of a rare radioactive isotope that was developed by the Nazi’s during WWII and a trace of an unidentifiable nerve toxin.)

                        The night before the race Kevin was enjoying a good night sleep.  He was dreaming of relaxing weekends of easy trail runs and social bike rides followed by delicious breakfasts with friends.   Kevin was suddenly awakened by the feeling that someone was in the room with him.  He rolled over and opened his eyes.  Seized by terror, he fell out of bed and landed hard on the floor.  At the foot of his bed stood an apparition that resembled Casper from the Saturday morning cartoons but with gangland style tattoos, multiple piercings, and bound with bicycle chains.  Kevin didn’t believe what he saw and hoped he wasn’t suffering from hallucinations caused by food poisoning.  He started to think he should have sent that undercooked chicken back at the restaurant.  Kevin then realized that Casper was speaking to him. 

“You will be visited by three spirits during the race tomorrow”.

Kevin replied “What are you jabbering on about?”

“You will be visited by three spirits.  The ghost of Triathlons Past, Triathlons Present and Triathlons Yet-To-Come.”

“Dude!  I am trying to sleep!  I don’t believe in ghosts and you are just a figment of my imagination.  Now go away and leave me alone!”

Kevin exhausted, climbed back into bed ignoring the apparition.  He opened his eyes one more time just for a second and saw that he was alone again.  Thinking it was just a dream, he quickly fell back asleep.  Kevin was rudely woken again but by his alarm this time.  It seemed like only a few seconds from when he fell asleep.  Having slept in his tri top and shorts, he only needed to roll out of the bed, grab his special needs bags and head out the door.  With a peanut butter bagel in his hand, he commenced the short walk to the transition area.  He had forgotten all about his dream.

STAVE 2: THE FIRST OF THREE SPIRITS (OR THE SWIM)

                After body marking, dropping bags off, readying his bike and the obligatory trip to the porta-potti, Kevin put on his wetsuit and headed down to the beach for the mass swim start.  The swim at IM Canada is in Lake Okanagan and consist of a single loop.  The course goes out for about 1600m, turns right for 400m, and turns right again for the final 2000m. There are plenty of large red buoys for sighting and the turns are marked by house boats.  The lake temperature was around 68F on race morning and the surface was smooth.  It is a standing start to the swim and competitors have plenty of room to spread out along the beach.

                The pros went off at 6:45am and the age groupers at 7:00am.  Kevin chose a spot up front and in the middle of the pack hoping to take advantage of the draft.  Compared to other mass swim starts that Kevin has done, this one seemed fairly tame without all the kicking, grabbing and punching found in other races.  The draft seemed non-existent as everyone was fairly well spread out.  Kevin settled right down and locked into his normal pace. 

The swim to the first buoy and around the second buoy was uneventful but as he was pushing for final stretch he noticed something swimming right along beside him.  This something was a childlike figure with a eerie light emanating from its head.  Scared to the point that he almost drowned, Kevin yelled underwater,

“Who are you and what are you doing here?”

“I am the Ghost of Triathlon’s Past.  The first of three ghosts you will see today.” replied the spirit.

The specter reached over and touched Kevin’s heart.  Kevin felt himself leaving his physical body and float off with the ghost.  Kevin was transported to the cellar of his boyhood home located outside Boston, Massachusetts.  Kevin sees himself, as a chubby 9 yr old boy, playing alone.  The spirit asks Kevin if he remembers this day.  Kevin says that he does.  It is February 1978 and it is the day he set the high score in Pong, the revolutionary new home video game.  On the TV set, young Kevin is watching the ABC’s Wide World of Sports and Jim McKay is talking about someone named Gordon Haller who won the inaugural Ironman Triathlon.  Kevin hears his younger self say, “What a stupid sport!” as he hit the power switch on the video game console and the TV screen changes from Jim McKay to the Pong screen.  Young Kevin yells “Wow!  Awesome graphics!”

Kevin is once again transported to another time and place.  Now he is in the basement of his fraternity house at Clarkson University.  He sees himself as a 19 year old young man celebrating another Ice Carnival victory with an overflowing beer funnel.  Young Kevin then proceeds to the dance floor and mimes Babe Ruth running the bases while Meatloaf’s Paradise by the Dashboard Lights plays on the stereo with the entire fraternity and visiting sorority raucously cheering him on.  Old Kevin looks over at the spirit and says “Oh man did I love college!”  The spirit touches Kevin again and they jump ahead in time by a couple hours.  The 19 year old Kevin is now in his frat house room which isn’t any larger than a closet but somehow he, two roommates, two dogs and one rabbit live in it.  The TV is tuned to ESPN Sportscenter and Chris Berman is talking about how Paula Newby-Fraser shattered the women’s course record with a 9:01:01 at the Ironman World Championships.  Drunk Kevin mutters “What a stupid sport!” and then falls to the floor and passes out in his own vomit consisting of beer, wild turkey , scrambled eggs and strawberry cake.  The spirit looks over at the older Kevin with a frown and Kevin smiles and says “Yes, that was the best of times.”

                Next, Kevin sees himself as a 33 year old man who is looking at himself in a mirror.  Kevin has ballooned up to 270 lbs and is currently living in San Diego while on temporary duty for 6 months.  This is the moment that everything changed for him.  This is April 2002 and Kevin is sick and tired of being overweight and doesn’t like what he sees in the mirror.  Older Kevin watches with a tear in his eyes while the spirit looks over his shoulder.  Fast forward to 9 months later and Kevin has lost 118 lbs and he is visiting his family who don’t recognize him.  Fast forward again to September 2004 and Kevin is finishing his first half marathon.  Now it is May 2005 and Kevin is finishing his first marathon with tears of joy rolling down his cheeks.  One more stop, and it is June 2005, Kevin is looking for his next challenge.  The spirit and Kevin watch as the young Kevin opens the door and walks into Final Kick Sports.  A store employee sees him and asks

“May I help you?”

Kevin replies “Yes, I have less than 10 weeks to the Timberman Half Ironman and I need a bike and a wetsuit.”

The clerk asks him “What is your triathlon experience?”

“None.” Kevin says

“Ok, you have come to the right place”

Now, back to the present, Kevin has returned to his physical body and coming to the swim finish at Ironman Canada.  His watch says he is right on his expected swim time of 1:20, give or take a minute.  But he chose to stay left and swim as close as he could to the beach and the inflated arch with the timing mat to T1.  When he stood up, he discovered that the bottom here consisted of small, sharp rocks that threatened to cut his feet.  Kevin gingerly ran out of the lake and across the mat in 1:22.  Happy with his swim, he raced through T1 stopping briefly for the wetsuit strippers to do their job and retrieve his bike gear bag.  Kevin transitioned to the bike course in under 5 minutes.

               

STAVE 3: THE SECOND OF THREE SPIRITS (OR THE BIKE)

                The bike course is also a single loop course and extremely scenic.  The course starts out by going straight down Main St in Penticton and then follows along Skaha Lake.  The first 40 miles is fast with a few rolling hills but generally more downhill then uphill.  Kevin averages over 19mph through this section.  On the first significant downhill, Kevin notices his bike computer has fallen off.  He doesn’t know if he is madder that it will cost him $50 to replace it or that he no longer has any cadence or speed data to monitor.  Luckily Kevin is used to racing without dependence on technological devices.  He only needs a watch to monitor time so he can stick to his hydration and nutrition plans which he is can do with his Timex wristwatch.

                At mile 40, the course takes a turn and a mild wind is now blowing in his face.  The course starts to get tougher as the uphill sections begin.  First up is Richter Pass which is a 7 mile climb to the top.  Kevin’s plan was to spin as much as possible on the two large climbs, this being the first.  His bike is equipped with a compact crank and an 11-27 rear cassette.  By themselves the climbs are not real difficult but in the context of an Ironman course they are tough.  After Richter Pass, comes the 7 sisters which is a series of big rollers that Kevin has to ride with a headwind that seems to be getting worse.  Kevin is finally able to escape from the headwind when the course turns at mile 74 for an out and back section.  A tailwind helps him fly down to the turnaround and the special needs bag at mile 79.  At this point the sun is out and Kevin removes his arm warmers thinking it should be a nice, warm and sunny ride to the bike finish.  He thought wrong.

                Within minutes of getting his special needs bag, removing his arm warmers and turning around back into the headwind; a squall starts to move in bringing a lot more wind (~15 mph), rain and hail.  A few minutes ago everything looked good and Kevin was confident of a bike time around 6:10 but suddenly even a 6:30 bike split seemed virtually impossible as he is faced with bad weather and another big climb.  Things look bleak and Kevin finds himself in one of those moments of self doubt that everyone has during an Ironman.  At that very moment, the second of three spirits rides up on his left.  The spirit is a majestic looking Clydesdale on an old fixed-speed bike with a long flowing green robe over an old fashioned cotton tri-suit.  His bike is equipped with a basket on the front end with a gourmet feast overflowing from it.  The spirit announced himself as the Ghost of Triathlon Present and requested that Kevin to take hold of his robe.  Kevin complied and again finds himself leaving his physical body and floating through the air to a destination unknown.

                Kevin and the spirit land at the Penticton Convention Center during the pre-race banquet.  He sees himself sitting at a table eating a surprisingly good dinner while listening to Sister Madonna Buder give a short pre-race pep talk.  Sister Madonna Buder, at 80, is the oldest woman to complete an Ironman and has completed more Ironman triathlons than Kevin can count.  She urges all the participants to race safe and have fun.  Kevin laughs out loud when during her talk she says “I train religiously.”

                The spirit then takes him into T2 where they see Marc Flageole make his transition to the run.  Marc is racing with a heavy heart.  His wife was killed in May of this year while on a training ride.  To honor her, he decided to continue with the race.  Marc can feel that his wife is here with him and her presence is spurring him on to the race of his life.  Well ahead of his personal best at T2, Marc changes into his running shoes and everyone can see the determination in his eyes.  The spirit whispers into Kevin’s ear that Marc will exceed all expectations and win his age group (M40-44) today.

                Grabbing the spirit’s robe again, Kevin and the spirit return to the bike course and see Bruce Cowie and Meyrick Jones on a tandem cycle making steady progress on the course.  Bruce is legally blind and Meyrick is his guide.  Meyrick is also a below the knee amputee.  Together they will become the first physically disabled team to complete the Ironman.  Every athlete, volunteer and spectator can’t help but be inspired by these two as they go happily about their business.

                The Ghost of Triathlon Present disappears and Kevin is back in his body and still struggling with the headwind while navigating up Yellow Lake, the second big climb of the day.  As he nears the top of the climb and while thinking about the inspirational people who are competing with him, Kevin feels a burst of energy that propels him over the top of the hill.  Now all that is left is a 12 mile downhill ride to T2.  At this point, the wind and rain start to subside.  Kevin mashes the pedals and flies into T2.  Pleased with his 6:30 bike split, Kevin grabs his run gear bag and transitions to the run in under 4 minutes.

               

STAVE 4: THE LAST OF THE SPIRITS (OR THE RUN)

                The run starts by heading out of town on Main St but before leaving town the course turns right and goes around the block and heads down Lakeshore Drive giving the runners an early preview of the finish line at mile 1.5.  Once again the course turns and heads back out of town straight down Main St and then along the shoreline of Skaha Lake.  The first 6 miles is fairly flat and Kevin has a nice steady pace going.  The next 7 miles to the turnaround is hilly.  Kevin’s run plan included walking up the one big hill described in the course write-up.  Little did he know that there were a few other hills not described that he has to walk up.  His hopes of an Ironman personal record starts to turn to hopes to just finish as he makes the turnaround at 13.1 miles and is faced with 7 more miles of hills before the course levels out for the final 6 miles to the finish.  As he struggles through the hills once again, he sees a menacing figure dressed in a black hooded cloak heading towards him.  Kevin’s first thought is “That is a cool cloak, I wonder if I can get one to run the Wicked 10K in.”  The figure runs right up to him and Kevin shakes with fright as he realizes that this is the Ghost of Triathlons Yet-To-Come, the third spirit.  For the third time, Kevin is transported to another time and place.

                The Ghost of Triathlons Yet-To-Come takes him to a series of races where they witness Kevin’s triathlon friends as they swim, bike and run at various events.  The races cover all distances including Sprint, Olympic, International, Half Ironman and Ironman.  Some are not even triathlons as his friends race in bike events, swim meets and running races all over the country.  Kevin watches as everyone competes while friends and family cheer them on.  Some go on to win or place in their age groups while some are rewarded with personal records or just the satisfaction of completing the race.  Kevin gets excited watching all his friends race and achieve their dreams.  He starts to cheer them on even though they cannot see or hear him.  The spirit hands him a cowbell and encourages him to root on his friends.  Kevin clangs the cowbell with reckless abandon and starts to yell encouragements.

                “Way to go!”

“Great job!”

“You’re Looking good!” 

“Rock On!”

 “You got this!” 

“You’re an Ironman!”

                Exhausted from cheering, Kevin takes a break and realizes that he hasn’t seen himself racing with his friends.  He looks over at the spirit and asks “What has become of me?”.  The spirit’s only response is to point off into the distance.  Kevin looks where the ghost is pointing and sees an empty transition area covered in fog.  As the fog slowly clears, Kevin screams as he sees a solitary tombstone.            

                Kevin suddenly finds himself back on the run course and with another surge of energy he clears the last hill and is faced with only a flat 6 miles to the finish.  Smiling to himself, he picks up the pace eager to finish.

STAVE 5: THE END OF IT (OR THE FINISH LINE)

                Kevin runs down Main St and makes the two left turns to get onto Lakeshore Drive for the last mile.  The second left turn takes him away from the finish line as he has to run one last out and back before finishing.  The crowd in this section is not contained by any fencing and they line up right on the course and Kevin runs through the gauntlet slapping high fives with everyone as they yell encouragement to him.  Feeding off the crowd’s energy Kevin picks up the pace once again and heads to the finish line in a sprint.  Overjoyed, Kevin crosses the finish line in 13 hours and 20 minutes.

                After passing the quick quiz at the finish line to verify he didn’t require immediate medical assistance, Kevin joined in with the other finishers for some post race food and to swap stories of the race.  Kevin enjoys the euphoria that comes with finishing an Ironman.  The feeling of accomplishment made all the hours training and effort worthwhile.  And when other competitors asked him how his race went, he happily responded with “It was great!  I didn’t set a new personal record but I did as well as I had hoped based on my training and I had a blast doing it!  Can’t wait until the next one!”  Finally fatigue starts to settle in, so Kevin packs up his gear and heads back to his hotel room to get some much deserved rest.  As he is walking back to the hotel, Kevin laughs at himself as he remembers his discussions with people in the days prior to the race and says to himself “Bah humbug, no more.”

THE END