The Road to Ironman Lake Placid 2014 (unpublished) Part I

Note to Reader: The following is an excerpt from the unpublished blog of Kevin Burns, titled "The Road to Ironman Lake Placid 2014".  It was found in his abandoned Honda Element up on Skyline Drive near Afton, VA on a flash drive.  The flash drive was damaged and our experts are still trying to retrieve the data to help solve the mystery of what happened to Kevin Burns who mysteriously disappeared during a training ride.  Kevin's Element was found on Oct 13, 2013 but the date of the entry shown below is in the near future.  The experts are perplexed by the discrepancy in the date and contents of his blog.  They are starting to think that something very strange is going on. The reader is asked to please contact the authorities if any clues to this mystery are found within the following blog entry that they may have missed or if the reader has seen or knows the whereabouts of Kevin.  Please stayed tuned for updates to this blog as our experts try to solve this mystery.


this proved to be a expensive lesson learned!  I do not think I will ever perform a speed workout on the treadmill until I puke ever again.  Not only was the clean up costly but it was embarrassing as well.  Hey, these things happen, what can you do!?  Thanks again for reading my blog.  I hope everyone gets something from it to help them achieve their own goals. Tomorrow I am heading down to Skyline Drive for a solo 5 hour ride in the mountains.  Should be a lots of fun!

April 27, 2014: Long Ride on Skyline Dr. (5 hours):

          Today I got up at 0400 and drove from Virginia Beach to the start of Skyline Dr. in Afton.  It is 0800 and I am waiting for the fog to lift so I figured I would get a head start on today's blog entry.  My legs are sore from my treadmill run yesterday so I expect a rather slow start to this ride.

          Today I am going to work on visualization during the ride.  It should help pass the time. I have been reading up on it and found this from about.com:

"Many elite athletes routinely use visualization techniques as part of training and competition. There are many stories of athletes who've used these techniques to cultivate not only a competitive edge, but also to create renewed mental awareness, a heightened sense of well-being and confidence. All of these factors have been shown to contribute to an athlete's sports success. Visualization has also been called guided imagery, mental rehearsal, mediation, and a variety of other things -- no matter the term, the basic techniques and concepts are the same. Generally speaking, visualization is the process of creating a mental image or intention of what you want to happen or feel."

       Since I have done IMLP twice before, I am going to visualize the actual bike course while riding the hills on Skyline Dr.  I hope this will make me feel like I have ridden the course numerous times and provide me with the confidence to crush the course on race day.  For me a sub-6:30 ride would be great and hopefully I will have saved something for the marathon.

        Ok, so if I understand the technique correctly, I will visualize how I am going to attack the bike course then hopefully what I have seen will come to fruition on race day.  Seems almost supernatural to me like in the movie, Field of Dreams when the voice whispers "if you build it, he will come".  I mean, if I do this correctly will a voice whisper to me "if you see it, it will happen" or something like that.  I think everyone who follows this blog know that I have a very active imagination and a well documented  fear of wild animal attacks!  Ha ha ha!  Should I worry that if I am using this technique and my mind drifts off into a daydream, then what I see in the daydream may come true?  A solo ride of 5 hours can seem like forever sometimes and I do tend to daydream a little.  This scares me because lately my daydreams have been a little odd.  Maybe because I have been up late at night watching Land of the Lost episodes on Netflix.  The daydream starts with me cruising at a very high rate of speed downhill when I suddenly enter a strange vortex and find myself transported back to the Jurassic age.  A pterodactyl swoops down, grabs me in its talons and transports me back to it's nest.  I am dropped into the nest with four hungry pterodactyl chicks. Yikes! I know, I know stupid right!?

         Alright so this fog isn't lifting so I think I will just get on my bike and risk it.  I brought my blinking red lights so I am sure to be safe.  I will update today's blog entry when I return.  Wish me luck!  Bye for now!

Tony Stark you are an Ironman!

Tony Stark woke up in a sweat.  He was having a nightmare where he was in a life and death struggle against the nefarious Mandarin, the greatest enemy of his Iron Man alter ego.  His first thought upon waking was that he needed a drink.  A scotch on the rocks to help him forget his endless battles to save the world seemed like a good start.  Then he remembered that he gave up drinking eight months ago to pursue his new passion in triathlons, in particular the Ironman distance.  Today was going to be his crowning achievement in triathlons as he was going to race the Ironman World Championship in Kona Hawaii.  He used his famous playboy celebrity image to garner a charity spot in the race.  He donated a large sum of money to the Wounded Warrior Foundation to help secure the race slot which was an organization as close to his heart as the piece of shrapnel left there from when he wounded while being kidnapped during a demonstration of his newest weapon technology in the jungles of Vietnam.  He managed to escape after a fellow prisoner saved his life by inserting a magnet in his chest to keep the shrapnel from entering his heart and helping him develop the first armor suit.  Since then he had become Iron Man and joined the Avengers, a superhero group assembled by Sgt Nick Fury to battle the world’s enemies.             Tony got out of bed and starting getting ready for the race and eating some breakfast making sure he got his necessary carbohydrates and proteins but low in fiber because he didn’t want to spend his day in the Porta Potty’s.  While he ate, his mind drifted to the events that led him to this day.  A year ago he defeated The Mandarin and his creation Ultimo in a epic battle to save the world.  During the fight he nearly died after his suit lost power but he was saved at the last second by the Hulk.  This near death experience troubled him mightily and he succumbed to the demons of alcohol as he never did before.  For four months he drank himself into a stupor in order to cope with his memories.  Finally, the love of his life, Pepper Potts could not take it anymore and left him.  She moved in with a friend in Brooklyn, NY of all places leaving him alone at the Stark mansion in Malibu,CA. The loss of Pepper devastated him and he sank even deeper into an alcohol infused depression.  One day he was summoned to the Avengers headquarters to meet with Captain America, Thor and Bruce Banner.  Cap informed him that he was being put on suspension from the Avengers due to his alcohol problem and told him that once he got sober there would still be a place for him on the team.  In the mean time, War Machine would take over his duties.             Tony continued to drink heavily.  He rarely left his mansion and spent most of his days watching television.  He constantly thought about ways to win Pepper back.  He opened her Facebook page often to see what she was up to and if there was any indication that she wanted to come back to him.  Other than her workout updates,  he didn’t get useful information on Facebook but he saw that she hadn’t changed her relationship status which did give him a glimmer of hope.  He missed the Avengers but he was not ready to get back into the armor and fight all the villains trying to destroy the world over and over again.  He was surprised that he missed Captain America, aka Steve Rogers, as much as he did.  They were always butting heads and had even come to blows on a few occasions but he always respected Cap even if he was an old school boy scout goodie two shoes.             One day Tony was sitting on the couch watching NBCSports and drinking a beer right out of the growler.  This was the last growler of beer left in the house.  It was his all time favorite beer.  This beer, called Hoptopus Double IPA, can only be found in Virginia Beach.  He remembered how Pepper would put on his armor suit and fly down to Virginia and buy him several growlers worth.  That was just one of the wonderful things she did for him.  His heart ached for her and he began to cry.  Through his tears he saw that NBCSports was showing the Ironman World Championship triathlon event.  He watched in awe as these “normal” people swam 2.4 miles, biked 112 miles and ran 26.2 miles in the Hawaiian heat just for sport.  He was fascinated by the race coverage which not only showed the pros racing but also the age group competitors.  There were also a few inspiring stories of people overcoming huge odds to race in the Ironman.  It was at that moment that Tony decided to quit drinking and train for the Ironman.  He was going to do it as Tony Stark the regular guy and not as Iron Man the superhero.  He vowed to race without the aid of his technology and intended to buy all his race gear off Craigslist.  He dreamed of becoming sober and competing with the top age groupers.  Maybe then he could try winning Captain America’s respect back and finally reuniting with the one person he wanted in his life most of all, Pepper Potts, but he had to show them that he could be functional, sober and worthy of their love and respect.             Tony spent the next 8 months training.  Due to his celebrity he was forced to train exclusively inside his mansion.  He had an Olympic sized pool and large fitness area with a treadmill for running and a Computrainer for biking.  He used the memories of his time with Pepper to help him get through the tough workouts.  She was always with him in his mind with endless encouragements. He dreamt that they would reunite and have the same type of loving relationship that the Vision and the Scarlet Witch had. It was extremely tough but he remained sober throughout the training period and didn’t give in to the demons that were constantly tapping him on the shoulder.  He kept up with the news of the Avengers who had fought some tough battles against some tough enemies including Kang the Conqueror and Count Nefaria.             Now it was finally race day!  The day that all his hard work would pay off.  Tony’s goal was to be at the top of his age group at the finish.  He knew he was in great physical shape and had trained hard for this moment and the fact that he was a superhero had to help his chances.  At the swim entry he waited for the start gun with the rest of the age groupers.  He was wearing a gently used swim speed suit that he found on Craigslist.  He thought that if he had contacted Mr. Fantastic then he could have gotten a speed suit made with one of Mr. Fantastic’s newly invented polymers that would not only allow him to swim faster but help him survive any unknown environmental elements in the event he slipped into another dimension while swimming.  But he had made a promise to himself  to race “clean” and not use any of his advanced technologies and he planned to honor that promise.              Tony was brought back to attention when he heard the gun go off and all the age groupers start to enter the water.  He waded in slowly and then started to swim.  It was like swimming in a washing machine with thousands of other swimmers kicking and punching him.  The battering his body took reminded him of the time he fought the Mole Men with the Hulk.  The swim was 2.4 miles total, it was an out-and-back course with an elongated triangle stretching out from Kailua pier south to a turnaround.  The swim was tough but Tony kept going, letting his training take over.  Before he knew it, the swim was done and he was on his way to transition.  He felt good about his time but knew he was still in the middle of the pack.  He needed to make up time on the bike.             The bike course in Kona is also an out-and-back, heading north up Queen Ka’ahumanu Highway to the turnaround in Hawi.  The course was 112 arduous miles with heat and lots of headwind thrown in.  Tony really grew to love the bike but wished he could have ridden more outside on the roads rather than indoors on the Computrainer.  He concentrated on his cadence and heart rate to judge his effort.  He knew that if he went too hard on the bike then his run would be miserable.  Once again he thought of how his technology could help him.  He knew many ways to make his newly acquired used Cervelo P2 more aerodynamic and he had access to some interesting alien rubber acquired  from the Shi’ar Empire that was completely frictionless which he could use for tires.  He had attached a photo of Pepper to his aero bars to provide motivation and be constantly reminded of why he was putting himself through this.  The ride was tougher than he ever could have imagined.  Without his armor suit with regulated temperature, he found the heat very difficult to deal with.  The heat was getting to him as he tried to keep up with his hydration and electrolytes to combat it.  He was taking in nutrition to keep his energy up but felt he was losing ground.  As time went on, he found himself more and more isolated from the rest of the age groupers. He knew he was now in the back of the pack but he kept going.  His goal now was to finish.  His respect for the people who did this race was growing by the minute.             At last, he made it to the second transition where he would change into his sneakers for the real hard part of the day, the Marathon.  He made sure to take the photo of Pepper from his bike before turning it over to the volunteers so he could have her with him on what he expected to be the hardest 26.2 miles of his life.  The run heads south out of transition, turning around at Keauhou. It then goes north along the Queen K Highway before heading back south to the most famous finish line in sports along Ali’i drive.  The first few miles went fairly well as he tried to catch up on his nutrition and hydration but the hard bike ride had taken its toll.  From here on out Tony knew he was going to suffer.  Tony was no stranger to suffering but usually it was at the hands of a mortal enemy.  Tony remembered the time he and Thor went up against Loki, Thor’s brother.  Loki had captured Tony and proceeded to torture him for a period of days trying to extract information of a new technology that would help Loki develop a new hammer to rival his brother’s mystical hammer Mjolnir.  Tony never gave in and eventually he and Thor defeated Loki.  Darkness now was setting in as Tony continued to run. He was alternating between walking and running at this point.  He was just trying to keep going forward to the finish in any way possible.  He was prepared to crawl if needed.  He thought of Pepper and how he hoped to go to Brooklyn and see her after the race.  He needed to apologize to her and tell her how much he loved her.  He knew at this point that he was done with alcohol forever.  He prayed that she would take him back.  He thought about Captain America and the Avengers and hoped that they would take him back too.  He wanted to put his armor suit back on and fight evil again to protect the ones he loved.  He hadn’t even finished but he already felt that the Ironman had saved Iron Man. The crowds started to get bigger and louder as he approached the finish line.  He knew he was getting close and he was determined to finish.  He felt light headed and his legs felt weak.  He almost went to the ground several times.  There were only a few minutes left before midnight.  The time when the race officially ends and anyone left on the course would be labeled with DNF.  Tony’s energy perked up when he thought he heard a familiar voice in the crowd.  He looked deep inside himself and willed himself to the finish line.  The crowd recognizing him went into a frenzy.  They started chanting his name.  The crowd was trying to send him their energy so he could finish.  He picked his head up and threw back his shoulders and began to run again.  Now he was only a few feet from the finish line and he knew he would make it with only a few seconds to spare.  He started to cry as the joy of his accomplishment started to overtake him.  He crossed the finish line and heard the voice of Mike Reilly cry out “Tony Stark you are an Ironman!”.  As he was helped down the finisher chute by the medical staff volunteers, he heard someone calling his name.  He thought maybe he had passed out and was dreaming but then he saw the crowd start to open up and Pepper Potts emerge right in front of him.  He later learned that she saw the coverage of the race and convinced Sgt Fury to loan her a jet with pilot to get her out to Hawaii so she could see Tony finish  in person.  Tony took her in his arms and told her he loved her and that he was sorry for hurting her.  He told her that he had been sober for eight months and he hoped they could try to rekindle their relationship.  Pepper did not take him all the way back at once but agreed to move back in and work on their relationship.  She was really happy for him and that she still loved him.  The medical staff now moved in and put Tony on a gurney and started a intravenous drip to help rehydrate him.  Pepper continued to hold his hand.  She then broke the news to him that the pilot of the jet that brought her was Steve Rogers.  Steve approached Tony and told him congratulations on his achievement and that he was welcome back to the Avengers when he was ready.  Tony could not believe it, everything he wanted from his quest to becoming an Ironman had come to fruition.  This was the greatest day of his life. The next week he was back home in New York and sleeping in late with Pepper by his side.  The phone rang and it was Sgt Fury calling from the helicarrier somewhere above New Mexico.  He told Tony that the Avengers were needed to fight the Mandarin again.  It seemed that the Mandarin had found the alien spacecraft that landed in Roswell back in 1947 and armed with new technology threatened to take over the world.  Tony looked at Pepper who nodded giving him the okay sign to save the world and that she would be there when he returned.  Tony grabbed the phone and called into the Avenger’s mansion intercom system and said “Avengers Assemble!”                                     The End Find messages in folder...    Inbox Spam Drafts Sent Trash 2008 Charity Donations 2009 Charity Donation 2010 Charity Donations 2011 Charity Donations 2012 Charity Donations 2012 IM Mont-Tremblant 2013 Charity Donations 2014 IM Lake Placid 2015 Antarctic Marathon Amazon B'more 2013 Final Kick GEHA important receipts IM Lake Placid Junk Mail K8 London MCM Marathon Race News Race Receipts Saved Items Sox 2013 Temp Hold Travel TSP website where any of the following are true... 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The Furloughed Man and the American Dream

     Once upon a time, a federal worker was employed in a land far far away.  Actually not that far away because he worked for the good old USA.

     This federal worker was having a hard time making ends meet due to being furloughed by a government shutdown.  He worried about paying the mortgage, feeding his three kids and even paying the vet bills for an aging Shih Tzu that suffered from glaucoma.

     He spent the mornings going to Starbucks, ordering a venti 4 shot Americano with light cream and then taking a walk on the beach.  This morning he came upon an empty beer bottle laying in the sand.  He picked the bottle up intending to throw away in the recycle bin when he got home.  He read the label which identified the beer as a Sweet Baby, Jesus! brewed by DuClaw Brewing Co.  It was a Chocolate Peanut Butter Porter, 6.0% Abv.  Absent mindedly, he rubbed the empty bottle while dreaming of the old days when he could afford to drink fine craft beer instead of Natural Light.  Suddenly, in a cloud of smoke, appeared a man dressed in a beer keg Halloween costume.

   "Where did you come from?  And who are you?", asked the stunned federal worker.

     "I am the genie in the bottle. You rubbed me the right way. Releasing me from the bottle.", replied the keg. "I can grant you three wishes.  Your wish is my command."

     The federal worker did not know what to think at first.  "Is this guy a quack?  Did he just quote a Christina Aguilera song?", he asked himself.  He figured he would try one wish as a test.  What did he have to lose?  "I wish that I had a cold Sweet Baby, Jesus!."  Poof!  A baby stroller appeared with  a crying baby swaddled in a flannel blanket embroidered with "JC".

     "Whoa!  Not quite what I was going for." cried the federal worker.  Out loud he thought, "OMG, how will I feed another child?  I am furloughed for Christ sakes!".  Just then the baby began to cry. "Oops, sorry.", the federal worker said to the baby.  The genie then spoke, "Well you get two more wishes.  Please try again."

     The federal worker thought about his second wish for a while longer than the first.  Finally he said, "I wish for the furlough to end."  Poof!  The federal worker found himself in his cubicle staring at a computer displaying the blue screen of death.  "Woo woo!  I am back to work. The furlough is over! The government has reopened.  It is a miracle", he yelled.  His first order of business was to call IT.  He then noticed a envelope taped to his phone with a yellow sticky.  He opened the envelope and removed a pink slip that had a header which read "RIF (Reduction In Force) - Notice" and a first line which started, "We are sorry to notify you that...".  The federal worker suddenly fainted hitting the floor with a loud thud.

     He awoke back on the beach where he was living in a cardboard box.  His wife, kids and Shih Tzu were gone having moved to California to live with his mother-in-law.  He was in despair.  He cried "Genie, where are you? I have one more wish.".  Poof! The genie appeared, "Wow, you smell.  You are correct you get one more wish.  Make it count."

    The federal worker told the genie, "I wish for the American Dream!".  Poof! The federal worker now found himself on a boat approaching the Statue of Liberty.  At his feet was a newspaper showing a date of October 3, 1887.  Confused he looked around and to his surprise saw his wife, kids, Sweet Baby,Jesus! now swaddled in a American flag, and his beloved Shih Tzu with eyes clear of glaucoma.  He broke down and cried "wow!  A brand new start in a brand new world.  Thank you, Jesus!.".  The baby began to cry. "Sorry I meant thank you, genie!"  The federal worker with family in tow arrived in New York City and promptly bartered for passage to Boston where he planned to settle down.  The federal worker found a job right away at a brewery as the brewmaster's apprentice.

     Over time he achieved the American Dream by opening his own brewery and making millions of dollars doing what he loved most.  His wife stayed by his side the whole way. His kids grew up, married and gave him grandchildren.  Sweet Baby, Jesus! arose from the stroller and moved to the Middle East to discover himself.  The Shih Tzu died of old aged and was buried in the garden where the hops were grown for the brewery.  Later in life, the federal worker sold the brewery which later became the Boston Beer Company home of Samuel Adams beer. 

    The federal worker was restless and came out of retirement to run for Congress vowing to be a great leader and work tirelessly for his constituents.  He died at the age of 78 on October 28, 1919 from a heart attack brought on by a nasty bout of constipation during an epic 42 hour filibuster where he read War and Peace out loud and delayed the vote on the Volstead Act (Prohibition!).  May he rest in peace.

                                                       The End

    

    

Government SHUTDOWN!! a poem

When a Democrat
will not negotiate
and the country is set to drown
what we are left with is
Government SHUTDOWN!!

When a Republican,
refuses to compromise
and decides to leave town
what we are left with is
Government SHUTDOWN!!

When a Congressman
bullshits his constituents
until his eyes turn brown
what we are left with is
Government SHUTDOWN!!

When a Liberal
is caught in his hotel room
with a mistress and his pants down
what we are left with is
Government SHUTDOWN!!

When a Conservative
comes out of his office closet
wearing a women's nightgown
what we are left with is
Government SHUTDOWN!!

When the President
address the media and the nation
with sniffles and a frown
what we are left with is
Government SHUTDOWN!!

A Dublin Marathon Mystery

The Dublin Medal

By Dash H. Ammett

(Note to reader, the following story has been written in modern English with a tendency towards American slang.  If the reader wishes for more authenticity then the reader should feel free to read the story in an Irish accent.)

 “Hello. You have reached homicide division of the Dublin Garda.  May I help you?” Inspector Fitzgerald answered the phone on the third ring with the required greeting as described in the detectives handbook.  He would much rather answer in his own way. “Homicide!  Who died?” but the new Chief was a stickler for the rules.

            “Is this Eamonn Fitzgerald?” said the voice on the other end.

            “No, Eamonn works the day shift.”

            “Ah, is this Padraig then?”

            “No, he works in robbery.  This is Inspector Liam Fitzgerald but everyone calls me Fitzy. Who is this?”

            “This is Officer Sean Sullivan but everyone calls me Sully.  I have a corpse down here at Madigan’s Pub on O’Connell Street in City Centre.”

            “Ok, Sully.  Give me a quick rundown.”

            “White male approximately 40 yrs old with short number one barber haircut and bushy salt and pepper beard.  Approximately 5’ 8” and 180 lbs.  Appears to have died from a blow to the back of the head.  It is a shame because it looks like he only finished half of his last pint of Guinness.”

            “Identity?”

            “ID in his wallet identifies the deceased as Kevin Burns.  He was an American tourist.”

            “Ah great, another American male suffering from a mid-life crisis who came over here to drink our refreshing Guinness beer until he passes out or his liver fails.  Sully, secure the crime scene and hold all the suspects and witnesses.  I am on my way I just need to stop at the Auld Dubliner for a quick pint of Guinness.”

Inspector Fitzgerald expected a busy night since this was October 31^st and the city of Dublin was celebrating Halloween.  The weather had been rainy for a few weeks and he could feel the population getting cranky.

Upon arrival at Madigan’s, Fitzgerald found Officer Sully and three apparent witnesses at the bar talking amongst themselves while the dead body was lying on the floor a few feet away.  There was a puddle of blood coming from under the corpse’s head and its eyes were still open and staring blankly at the bar.  There was a white and green ribbon around his neck.

            “Hello Officer Sully.  How is the Guinness here?”

            “Smooth and refreshing as always.” replied Sully

            “Great.  So what happened?”

            “Mr. Burns, the deceased, was sitting at the bar enjoying a few pints of Guinness and bragging about finishing the National Lottery Dublin Marathon this afternoon.  Witnesses said that he was flaunting his finisher medal around and engaging anyone within ten feet with stories of his run.  The witnesses then heard a crash and Mr. Burns was found lying dead on the floor.  No one admits seeing anything.”

            “Ummm, is anything missing?”

            “Only his finisher medal from the race is missing.  As you can see the ribbon is still around his neck but the medal is nowhere to be found.  His wallet was still in his pocket with cash and credit cards untouched.”

            “Suspects? Witnesses?”

            “Yes, there were only three people in the bar at the time of death.  There is Grace Doyle, the barmaid who served Mr. Burns several pints of Guinness before his untimely demise.  She reported being in the kitchen and did not see what happened. Nicholas Murphy who is a nightly regular at Madigan’s and was drinking a Guinness with Mr. Burns says he was in the restroom when the incident occurred.  And finally we have Samuel Spade IV who is another American visiting Dublin.  Mr. Spade was drinking a Coors Light on the other side of the pub and watching a football match on the telly with no view of the deceased.”

            “Any weapon?”

            “None that I could find.”

            “Well, I think if we find the missing finisher medal then we find out what exactly happened here.  I will interview each suspect and brilliantly deduce what occurred.  But first I will drink a wonderfully tasty Guinness.”

Inspector Fitzgerald casually observed the witnesses while sipping on his Guinness.  The barmaid, Grace, appeared nervous and agitated.  Mr. Murphy seemed completely indifferent while sipping a pint of Bulmers Irish Cider.  Inspector Fitzgerald likes a Bulmers every now and then but can only drink one because of the sweetness.  Lastly, the American, Mr. Spade, was pacing the room while downing yet another watered down American beer.  Inspector Fitzgerald just couldn’t respect anyone who drank Coors Light on a regular basis.  He thinks American light beer is only good for sobering up before getting in the car and heading home after a long evening at the pub drinking pints of Guinness.

The Inspector decided to start the interviews off with Grace.

            “Ms. Doyle, at what time did the Mr. Burns enter the pub?”

            “Well Inspector I think it was around 4:30 pm.  He said he came in straight away from the finish line of the marathon and he had a powerful thirst for the rich taste of a Guinness.”

            “Did he order any food?”

            “Not at first.  He sat and drank 5 pints of Guinness before putting an order in for the Guinness Beef Pie with Chips.  I was in the kitchen picking it up when I heard the crash and came out to find him dead.”

            “I see.  Now did he have the finisher’s medal from the race when you first saw him?”

            “Yes, he had it around his neck and was showing it to everyone in the pub when he came in.  He seemed very proud of himself and the medal was a symbol of his ‘awesome’ achievement. I do not remember seeing it after that”

            “He actually said the word ‘awesome’ when describing himself? What else did he say?”

            “Yes he did say that.  He appeared very impressed with himself to the point of being annoying to the other paying customers.  He went on and on about how great the race was and that the route was perfect and the views of the city and suburbs were spectacular and that he didn’t even care that it was raining so hard.”

            “Okay just one more question, Grace.  Did you KILL him?” the Inspector loved to catch suspects off guard with that question.

            “GOOD HEAVEN’S NO!” blurted Grace with tears in her eyes, “I could never kill anyone! Not even an American like him”

            “Take it easy and have a seat and I will get back to you later.”

The Inspector decided to approach Mr. Murphy next.  Inspector Fitzgerald had Nicholas pegged as a regular who came into the same pub every night for a few pints while watching a football match or just reading the newspaper.  Regulars typically do not like tourist invading their pub especially cocky Americans.  The Inspector suspects Nicholas may know more about what happened here than the barmaid but knew he would have to approach him differently.  The surprise attack would not work on a strong man like Nicholas.

            “So, Nicholas how you doing? How is the Bulmers?”

            “What do you want copper?” replied Nicholas with a sneer.

            “I need you to tell me what happened here.” said Inspector Fitzgerald now peeved.

            “Well I got up to take a piss and when I came back that irritating American was on the floor dead.  That is what happened.  Other than that I know nothing.”

            “Did you talk to him before he died?”  

            “Yeah, I did.  He was rambling on about winning some damn running race and flashing a medal around like it was supposed to impress me.  Running is only good when you are chasing down the enemy in mortal combat.”

            “Really, you were in the military then?”

            “Yes I was a Colonel in the Southern Brigade of the Irish Army.  We would eat iron and crap nails back in my day.”

            “Ouch. Now what else did Mr. Burns say to you?”

            “He complained incessantly about his legs cramping because he ran so fast and also mentioned some gobshite about lactic acid build up.”

            That answer seemed to spark some interest in the Inspector who then asked, “Did you see what happened to his finisher medal?”

            “No.”

            “I hate to ask this but did you happen to kill him?”

            “Feck off copper!” yelled Nicholas as he turned his back and returned to his Bulmers.

Inspector Fitzgerald took a break from questioning the witnesses to contemplate what he had learned thus far.  He decided he needed another Guinness to settle down his nerves after his encounter with Col. Murphy.  At the last second he decided he might be drinking too much Guinness and was affecting his thought process so he ordered a Beamish Stout instead.  He now turned his attention to the other American, Samuel Spade, who had finally sat down after pacing back and forth since the Inspector’s arrival.

            “Good evening, Mr. Spade.  Can you tell me what you saw here tonight?”

            “Absolutely my good sir, I know exactly what happened here tonight.  I am a private detective from San Francisco and have solved the mystery that has befuddled you so far this evening.”

            The Inspector was taken back by this initial response to his inquiry and responded sarcastically with, “Ah so you fancy yourself an American version of Hercule Poirot then Mr. Spade?”

            “Nay, I am rather more like a Philip Marlow without the wisecracks.  Now shall I get on with it?”

            “Hey I ask the questions here!  So what have you come up with?”

            “Simple it was Colonel Murphy in the bar with the Guinness tap handle!” exclaimed Mr. Spade.

Inspector Fitzgerald looked at Mr. Spade with contempt and decided that the man was either a complete dolt or just drunk.  The inspector looked him up and down and settled on the Coors Light bottle and finally said, 

“Slow your roll there, Miss Marple.  I think you may have missed the boat on that one.  Take a seat and I may have to get back to you later.”

The inspector then went back to the bar and finished off his Beamish and thought some more about the mystery at hand.  “Ah ha!” yelled the inspector as the solution finally occurred to him in a flash.  Before addressing everyone in bar with his brilliant discovery, the Inspector ordered a double Jameson’s Irish coffee in a take away cup.

            “Ok listen up everyone.  I know what happened here.  The deceased, Mr. Burns, ran a marathon this afternoon and immediately came into this pub.  According to the barmaid he drank 5 pints of Guinness without any food.  I conclude that Mr. Burns, an American who can’t handle his alcohol, was drunk off his ass, he then starting spouting a bunch of gobshite about winning the marathon and declaring that he was awesome.  At this time his legs cramped up as described by the Colonel.  This caused Mr. Burns to flip off his bar stool ass over elbows and land squarely on the back of his head.  Splitting his head open and killing him instantly!”

            “If that is true and no one killed him, then what happened to the Dublin medal that is missing?” asked Officer Sullivan.

            “Ahh, that is an easy one my dear Mr. Sullivan.  The barmaid , Grace, stole the Dublin medal from Mr. Burns upon his death because she was secretly in love with him and wanted a memento of that love.  Isn’t that true Ms. Doyle?”

            To that Grace Doyle broke down and cried, “Yes it’s true.  I loved that man even though I only just met him.  He was the most handsome man I ever laid eyes on with the greatest salt and pepper beard I have ever seen.  I could listen to him brag all day about his sporting accomplishments including 10 marathons, 5  Ironman triathlons and numerous other running and triathlon events.  I just had to have that medal.  It will be the only thing I have to remind myself of him for the rest of my life.”

            “All right, enough, that is most disturbing.  I declare this case is solved.  Officer Sullivan please arrest this woman for robbery of a corpse then call the coroner and have this dead man picked up and mailed back to the states.  I am heading back to the station house with a quick stop at O’Neill’s pub for a delicious pint of Guinness.” said the Inspector as he walked out of Madigan’s pub where the Halloween festivities were just getting started.  If the last couple of hours were any indication, then the Inspector knew he was in for a long long night.  He thanked God out loud for all the Guinness that would help guide him through this night.

THE END