Written By Chazz Dickens
It was the best of races, it was the worst of races, it was the day of victory, it was the day of defeat, it was a time of glory, it was the time of despair, it was the season of PR’s, it was the season of setbacks, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of drudgery, one had everything before him, one had nothing before him, one was going direct to the finish line, one was going direct to the ocean bottom – in short, the race was so far unlike any other, that some of the noisiest fans insisted on its being watched, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
The two athletes in question were Joel Myers, a top age grouper with Kona aspirations and at the top of his game; and Kevin Burns, a middle of the pack age grouper having an off year after setting new PR’s in every race he entered in 2009. Joel was swimming the 1-mile race and looking for victory while Kevin was hoping to just finish the 5K swim and not be last.
Early in the morning on August 15th, Joel and Kevin assembled with the other swimmers at 17th street on Virginia Beach. They assisted each other with their wetsuits. Joel’s zipping up with ease while Kevin’s took some extra effort with a large swath of back hair painfully removed in the process. Next they observed the ocean to see how it was behaving that morning. The ocean was calm but there was a fairly strong rip current to contend with. Kevin also noticed several jellyfish on the beach and trepidation set in as he had a recent confrontation with a jellyfish that stung him in the face. The jellyfish event was well documented during the short run of his reality show on Fox called Triathlete vs Wild. The ill fated show was canceled after it was discovered that the Bigfoot incident in episode 5 was really a hoax. Bigfoot was just a homeless man who was walking in the park and was run over by Kevin who was not paying attention while rocking out to Lady GaGa. The 8’o’clock hour was rapidly approaching and both men readied themselves for the race in their own ways. Joel got in the water to loosen up and get focused. Kevin waded into the water to pee.
Two days prior to the swim. Three quarters of a mile off the Hatteras Island coastline a 6 ft bull shark is experiencing a painful death from petroleum poisoning that it got from the Gulf of Mexico where it lived and fed. The shark was looking for a quiet place to die on the ocean bottom. As death approached, the shark came upon a sunken German U-boat and swam into the huge gash in the hull. The shark’s heart finally gave out and it seemingly closed its eyes for the last time. This was no ordinary German U-boat. The U-boat was the first nuclear powered submarine ever created, one of Germany’s greatest secrets. In the forward hold, which was the bull sharks final resting place, were several large barrels of nerve toxin that was to be unleashed on US soil in 1945 near the end of WWII. Fortunately the U-boat hit some rocks during a storm and was sunk with all lives lost and the secret was hidden forever. Now in 2010, the primitive reactor was leaking radioactive material and was mixing with the nerve toxin from the deteriorating barrels. The bull sharks last breath sucked in a small portion of this potent mixture into its blood stream right before the it’s heart stopped. Several hours after death, the bull shark reawakened and discovered that it was really, really hungry. Searching for food the bull shark headed north.
The race is now just minutes away and the two men are at the start line. Kevin looking out at the water thinks he sees a dorsal fin of a shark. Kevin asked Joel if he saw the same thing. Joel replies “Dude, you are seeing things. All those supposed animal attacks have gotten into your head. That was probably just a dolphin playing in the surf.” At 8am sharp, the 1-mile race gun goes off and Joel enters the ocean. Fighting the rip current Joel makes it out to the first buoy and turns left and swims parallel to the beach. He is in first place. Approximately 10 minutes later, the 5k start gun goes off and Kevin runs into the ocean and it promptly met by a large wave and is tumbled in the surf like a race t-shirt in a washing machine. Regrouping himself, Kevin heads out to the first buoy and finds himself in last place.
Meanwhile near the 15th St pier, the hungry undead bull shark continues its unending search for food. The bull shark, in its new form, no longer enjoys its regular menu of fish and is looking for something new. Suddenly its nose picks up a new scent. Something or somethings have entered the water not far from where it is roaming. The smell of flesh and blood wrapped in a neoprene outer coating is just what it is looking for. The bull shark heads father north in the hopes of catching one of these creaturess that it is hungering so badly for.
Joel continues to lead the 1-mile swim and is fast approaching the finish line buoy. Just one more turn and he will head to shore through the rip current. Kevin has regrouped and is forging ahead in the 5K. Joel will not be deterred and is staying focused on his swim stroke all the way to the finish. Kevin’s mind starts to wander and he feels as if something is watching him. He shrugs off the feeling as paranoia and continues on his way. Joel reaches the beach in first place and is the overall winner of the 1-mile swim. He has beaten a pretty impressive field of local swimmers and triathletes. About a half hour later, Kevin turns the halfway buoy and hits the beach in the 5K swim. He checks in and finds that he is not in last place anymore and that two other swimmers still need to check in. With renewed energy, Kevin heads back out for the second half of the swim.
The ravenous bull shark readies himself for a feast as it has caught up to its new food source. The shark looks for the slowest one thinking that it would be the easiest to kill and eat.
Kevin, now in his comfort zone, continues to make steady work of the 5k swim. Suddenly out of nowhere something rams into his side knocking him out of breath. Struggling to breathe, Kevin looks for his attacker but keeps himself composed as he is used to being randomly attacked by wildlife. Joel, standing on the podium receiving his first place award, sees some commotion in the water that looks like Kevin flailing about in the waves but just shrugs it off as Kevin being Kevin.
After its initial attack the bull shark licks its lips and thinks that whatever he just hit is really tasty. It turns for a second attack and intends to take a large bite out of it this time around.
Kevin spins around in the surf searching for his attacker and sees what looks like a 6 ft shark with flesh that is rotting almost as if the shark was already dead. He wonders why the zombie shark is picking on him and suddenly realizes that he must be the slow one in the pack. The shark always eats the slowest swimmer in the movies. Kevin doesn’t know if he is mad at the shark for trying to eat him or that he has fallen behind in the race. The shark is upon him again quickly and hits him on the left leg but doesn’t appear to have taken a bite of him yet. Kevin, who watches the Discovery channel religiously, never swims without a large dive knife strapped to his right thigh. He quickly pulls the knife out and waits for the next attack. The shark spins again and comes in for the kill. Kevin pokes the shark in the eye with his right thumb and drives the knife down through its brain with his left hand thus dealing a fatal blow.
The bull sharks last thoughts as it descended to its final resting place at the ocean bottom was “I should have gone after the tall lean one in the front instead of the short doughy slow one in the back. Those front runners are always too focused to notice my attack plus the lean meat is better for his health.”
After killing the zombie shark, Kevin proceeds on with the race. Soon he approaches the finish buoy and gets ready to make the final turn. The lifeguard at the buoy looks over at him and tells him that he is the last to finish and if he doesn’t mind could he bring the buoy in with him. Kevin reluctantly complies with the request and drags the buoy in with him to the finish. Joel interrupts his TV interview to greet Kevin as he exits the water. Joel congratulates him on completing the 5k swim and asks how it went. Kevin thinking that after the Bigfoot incident no one would believe he was attacked by a zombie shark said “It went fine, no problem.”
While resting in the sand following the race and watching Joel signing autographs, Kevin notices a slight cut on his left leg near his calf where the bull shark struck him. Later that night, Kevin starts to develop a slight fever and thinks he is coming down with the flu.
